@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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@stephenjmolloy: [Spelling bee] Judge: "Your word is unhelpful." Kid: "Can you use it in a sentence please?" Judge: "Nope."
@medievalfun: Jesus:"table for 26 please" Waiter: "but there are 13 of you" J: "yes but we're all going to sit on the same side"
@ninetek: I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like "Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..."
@SortaBad: Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for "located"