@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"
@iwearaonesie: [dinner] son *sigh* What a day wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond* me *slides my beer over to him* wife *kicks me harder*
@Juicedballs: Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
@theshamingofjay: I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.