@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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@Jeffwni: [1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] "It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"
@DadandBuried: Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
@JhonRules: *dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
@just1fool: Coworker:I'll take care if it. *Translation* You're gonna take care of it. You just don't know it yet.