Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you