Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Traveler’s camo
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively