@SteveKoehler22: Just changed the GPS voice in my car from male to female. Now if I miss a turn, she says .... "( Sigh )....recalculating"

@krisv_723: I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokémon Go!

@chelliet22: I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower. Exactly. I'M the idiot in a slasher film.

@TheToddWilliams: "Omelet you finish." - Kanyegg West

@Hellaphantitis: "So let's name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we'll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot"