Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.