Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second