Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.