Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Challenge accepted.