Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
More like Kate Missington.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
CUTE CAT‼︎
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Children of the corn 🌽
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
buying dead houseplants to save time
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.