[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My work here is done
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?