[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
(Musicians.)
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not