Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?