“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.