Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first