I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo