24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”