Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews