Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.