Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.