[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]