@Jennifergr8: Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? nnHe replied....chicken.nnnThank god he is good looking.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee. The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.
@Amburglar_: Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
@egg_dog: Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…