4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle