Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
accurate
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.