My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
your honor my client chooses dare
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!