Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
You Might Also Like
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon