Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly