Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.