Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma