@FuckabillyRex: Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, "There's no one here," so I think I handled that very well.
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@murrman5: you're upset I bought a waterbed aren't you "yes take it back" I lost the receipt *sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
@nopoweradeinusa: parties in 2004: I hope I don't get drunk and tell mindy I like her parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn't support genocide
@daemonic3: [on date] "I think we should take this a step farther" Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati- *date already left*
@ericsshadow: [traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you