“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.