Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable