Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.