If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me too, bag. Me too….
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I am crying
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing