@mauleePillar: Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
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@thepunningman: [doctors] "How long have I got?" "Not long. Two, three months" [casually places apple on desk] "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
@ag_loco: How to keep a man happy: 1) Phone him 86 times a day 2) Wail hysterically 3) Be needy 4) Never sleep with him 5) Buy yourself shoes
@melibuff: Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit? 'Cause I'm not the least bit attracted to you.