@mauleePillar: Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
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@garrydavenport: My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
@Parentpains: This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
@Brianhopecomedy: MISSING: 5 year old LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, "Bath time." DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids