If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My dating profile:
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
God, I love Scotland
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time