The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public