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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
You can’t outrun your problems…
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
You are what you delete.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!