I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes