I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years