Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
asking santa clause for nudes
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure