Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.