My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
You Might Also Like
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple