Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.