@imchriskelly: Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled "dead." No dice! Thank god---hang in there, celebs!
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@baeblacksheep: If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.
@omically: a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
@DanMentos: judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
@qwertying: Wife: What would you do if I died? Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry? Husband: Ah, not that crazy..