Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.