-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
g
a
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
🤣🤣
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…