[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
You Might Also Like
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Oops I deleted….
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.