Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Isn’t
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.