@EmmaUtters: Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids
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@Ygrene: [at the park] SON: dad dad what's that in the sky?! (points at helicopter) ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
@ClichedOut: My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I'm being sued. My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.