@EmmaUtters: Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids
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@SoFarFetchd: "You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
@bobvulfov: FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together ME: facebook no FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
@KeetPotato: dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you" me: "ok" [later] cellmate: "i kill people for money" me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"
@JaneBadall: Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy's cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.