@EmmaUtters: Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids
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@ProdigyNelson: [1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya
@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.