Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!