Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Dune (2021)
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral