Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”