[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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Europe. Made in Germany.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?