[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’m awake but I object,
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”