Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.