@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@qwertying: Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first. I hate walking into spiderwebs...
@jazmasta: *ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work* "Big mac please" "Would u like LIES with that?!" *my boss dragging me away* "LIES, LUCY.. LIES!"
@lorigonzalez28: If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don't suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
@WrongPandas: [at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"