@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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@garthinkingcap: Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."
@robotrowboat: Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
@HelloCullen: Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
@KoKeniSasquatch: I like dogs, but it's like having a permanent baby. A cat is like having a permanent teenager.