@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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@geekysteven: "Why didn't any of you go back and kill Hitler?" TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935. "Who?" TT: Bingo
@3sunzzz: My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
@TwoSapphiresBlu: I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
@BeardSpice: "Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth