Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel